Why Torture Yourself With A Cheap S-Class When You Can Just Buy 19 Feet Of Lincoln?

If you’ve ever thumbed through the used car classifieds, an old Mercedes-Benz S-Class, BMW 7 Series, or Audi A8 may seem mighty tempting. After all, where else can you get so much space, tech, and comfort for such little money? Well, there’s a reason why these vehicles depreciate so quickly, and the hammer of reality hits in the form of repair bills.

Thankfully, there’s an antidote to the old German flagship luxury sedan maintenance train of wallet-crushing pain and misery, and that solution is 19 feet of Lincoln.

Yes, there used to be a time when America made astonishing, monumental luxury cars, and many of these grand specimens have survived to become bonafide classics. However, classic status doesn’t always mean big money, and you can buy a leisure suit Lincoln for the price of a heavily-depreciated Mercedes-Benz S-Class.

What Are We Looking At?

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From the turn of the ’70s through 1979, Lincoln made some of the biggest and greatest sedans and coupes ever to grace American roads. We’re talking velour-lined machines frequently measuring in over the 19-foot mark, vehicles magnificent enough to make most used S-Classes seem a bit common.

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In an S-Class, you can run over the gnarliest expansion joints on the planet and not feel anything. In 19 feet of Lincoln, you can run over a water buffalo and not feel anything. That’s because the suspension is only there to make the car comfortable, meaning it has more dive than a Guy Fieri show, more roll than a Texas Roadhouse franchise, and more pitch than the Europa League. This genre of car is as close as you can get to a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier with license plates, and if that

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Sure, you can get a fast S-Class rocking an AMG badge, but you know what 19 feet of Lincoln has? Something called BFC — big freakin’ cubes. Aside from the 1979 Mark V, these Lincolns were available with a 460 cubic-inch 385-series big-block V8, and the aftermarket is ready, willing, and able to hop these up to whatever horsepower goal you could possibly want. You can build one of these engines out to 500 horsepower at home without forced induction or streetability sacrifices, or go all-out and let it eat. The only thing you’ll have trouble passing is a gas station.

While Mercedes-Benz had its Designo division for upgraded interior trimmings, 19 feet of Lincoln can give you Cartier, Givenchy … real luxury stuff. See, the Mark-series Lincolns used to have Designer Series models, where Lincoln would offer special color and trim combinations with the names of actual designers. Think Virgil Abloh Maybach, but make it old.

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Want a different personality, or even your first personality? An S-Class won’t fix that, but 19 feet of Lincoln and the right set of shades will. Has your sex life gone stale? Fire up 19 feet of Lincoln and take your partner or polycule to the nearest drive-in, then blame getting kicked out for lewd behavior on the bench front seat. Some might think that street parking 19 feet of Lincoln might be a problem, but the sheer horizontal surface area means you can probably create parking for 13 more cars overtop of one Lincoln. We’re talking about the last true stand of American excess after the fuel crisis of 1973, true statement vehicles for those who want to be seen.

How Expensive Are We Talking?

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So, what does one of these slabs of excellence cost? Well, if you want a car near the top of the market and are okay with a mere 400 cubic inches, this 1979 Continental Mark V just sold on Bring A Trailer for $20,000 and it only has 39,000 miles on the clock. We’re talking about an immaculate slice of Americana for the price of a well-used S-Class, and if that isn’t a tempting deal, I don’t know what is.

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Live in California and don’t want to deal with the hassle of smogging a post-1975 car? No worries. This 1973 Lincoln Mark IV with the big-block V8 and just 32,000 miles on the clock sold on Bring A Trailer back in January for just $7,200. I repeat, $7,200! That’s about $378.78 per linear foot of car. At that price, you legitimately can’t lose.

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However, what if two doors simply won’t do for you? What if you’re the type of person who needs four? Well, check this out. Here’s a 1977 Lincoln Continental Town Car that sold on Bring A Trailer in November for $9,700. From a physical standpoint alone, that’s so much car for the money.

What Could Possibly Go Wrong With 19 Feet Of Lincoln?

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Unlike a used S-Class, these Lincolns have no electronically controlled air suspension with adaptive damping, no expensive radar-guided cruise control sensor, no complex massaging seats, and no GPS navigation system. However, don’t take that to mean that these Lincolns are spartan. Expect automatic climate control, an available digital trip computer, more ashtrays than you can handle, and the respect of powerful octogenarians across the country. Now that’s first-class stuff.

Oh, and because they’re Fords, general parts for these Lincolns are cheap and plentiful. Don’t be surprised to see front brake discs for around $30 apiece, spark plugs for less than $2 apiece, shocks for $25 apiece, and reputable tires for less than $120 each. I don’t know about you, but that seems a hell of a lot better than S-Class maintenance, and while these Lincolns may suffer from old car fluid and vacuum leaks, they’re typically cheap to fix and easy to diagnose, even at home. How about that?

Is It A Good Idea To Buy 19 Feet Of Lincoln?

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So long as you’re okay with pumping a whole lot of gas, 19 feet of Lincoln will give you a true luxury experience, the maintenance costs of an old domestic sedan, and a rolling talking point wherever you may go. It’s definitely a better sort of used flagship to buy than a used S-Class, and so long as you’re going for smiles-per-gallon, this sort of car can gobble up decaying North American infrastructure like nobody’s business. So if you’re suffering from the used German luxury car blues, ask your mechanic if 19 feet of Lincoln is right for you.

(Photo credits: Bring A Trailer)

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